The Good Thing

I feel like I need to share my bittersweet about this delay in referrals and the wait in general. My perspective is different from so many other moms who are waiting for the match (I just really think 'match' sounds warmer somehow than referral, not sure why) of their daughter.

This baby is not our first, nor second. This dear one is our fifth. We have three boys and one other daughter. They are still very young (7 and under) so you can imagine how busy things can get around here. Even in the midst of the general business of our lives, the new baby is on all of our minds. As a family we talk about her daily. Lainey especially is just bursting with excitement to have a baby sister.

Anyway, it has only been a little over a year since we made the decision to adopt and started the process. Honestly, that is just piddly compared to what some of my friends have endured as they worked, suffered and fought to build their families, both before and after making the decision to adopt. We had few problems gathering our paperwork and doing the homestudy. There was a slight delay in getting our 171h and then there was that May holiday delaying our final step, but overall it was not a nail biting hair pulling time.

After being logged in on May 23rd, I pretty much just sat back and was able to relax. We were moving, it was summertime with the kids home and things had been moving pretty steadily at CCAA and we knew that nothing would really be happening until November or December.

In late October the Big Delay began and I was just blindsided. Here I was skipping merrily along making plans, telling everyone I met about how we were going to get matched with our daughter in 'Oh about two months at the most' and then this stinking delay hits me like a bucket of cold water!

WTH?

At first I moped along in that cold, wet mood. Then I began to try to pick out good things about this delay. Traveling in the spring is certainly much better. Our finances could use a few months of time to bulk up. The kids will be a bit older and it will be easier for us to leave. Maybe, she-the one for us-our daughter, just wasn't ready yet.

These thoughts helped me unsag a little. I was still pretty mopey though.

Then I began really read more. I especially began to read more blogs, of both women who have returned from China with their new little one, those of us in waiting and also some discerning adoption. I peeked out of my of box life.

I saw a multitude of versions of our own parenting story. I also saw many women who just ache to love. Women who have really really suffered just to get the opportunity to make the lifelong, continuous sacrifice of motherhood (more suffering, guaranteed!). Truly, I am overwhelmed at the giant wellspring of hard core mother love out there in the world. I am just humbled.

I have taken all of this in. I am still taking it in. I love reading about other moms just trying to be the best damn moms they can. We may have different political views, faiths, ideas on sleeping, bottles and pre-schools, but how cool is it that there are all these women out there who just want to give themselves over to another human being in a way that only mothers can? It is pretty freaking cool, that's what it is.

I have begun to look at my own mom-ness in a new way during this Big Delay. I am embracing it with more energy and intention. During this Big Delay my love for my kids, especially, my daughter in China has expanded in that crazy, mysterious way of love, even when you thought your heart was full to capacity 2 years ago. I have had the opportunity to experience a sobbing yearning and longing for her, for another human, that I have never felt in my life. I have definite throb in my heart for a soul, halfway around the world that I have never laid eyes on. And it gets stronger every day.

I am positive this is a Good Thing.