Tales of an Accidental Mega Mom pt. 3

This is the third installment of how I unintentionally (at first) became a mom to seven beautiful souls. 

Part 1.

Part 2.

This Tale is not a conversion story precisely, but the story of how and why we became a Catholic family is the catalyst for everything good, holy and true that we have done since. The growth of our family is definitely in that category!  This is just a brief retelling of the amazing things God did for our family that summer the twins were born.

{Jake, me, Ryan at about 20 weeks with twins}

Our new neighbors Mike and Kathy K. were so nice, but so       Catholic!

And talkative.

Many times I'd look out the window before going to get the mail or water the flowers to make sure Mike wasn't outside also.  Sometimes he's just chat and wave, but sometimes he's ask me some pretty uncomfortable questions like "So, do you believe that you can lose your salvation?"

Folks, I was heavily pregnant (I mean HEAVILY!) and I just couldn't deal with this pesky guy and his questions. These were not discussions I wanted to have. I just wanted to get my mail!

I pushed Lee to run interference. Lee is such an open person.  He is a genuine seeker and had no preconceptions about the Catholic Church really. He loved talking with Mike. Honestly, I just tried hard to ignore them both and waited for my babies to be born.

{in the nursery at about 31 weeks}

Just after the twins were born we were at a crossroads in our small group. Several discussions had broken out during our spring Bible study about free will, sin, predestination, holiness and so on. This uneasiness brewing in our group worsened and made me queasy. I thought it was just me being anxious and pregnant, but even after the babies were born the rift in our small group was growing and it was not just our family feeling that.

The church we belonged to, encouraged the small groups to split and re-form and thus to grow after about 18 months to two years. The summer after the twins were born (6/15/02) our group met just a handful of times and then disbanded.

During that summer, Lee had begun to read the pamphlets and books Mike K. had been passing on to him. I would glance at them from time to time, but I tried to ignore them mostly. Then, Lee began to discuss things with me directly. The things we talked about intrigued me, but I knew there must be a catch because I had been raised Catholic and never heard most of this stuff. It was very uncomfortable and humbling to dig around into our faith history and realize I was so ignorant

Finally, I headed to the library for myself. I needed a book I could read and explain all this crazy, silly, Catholic stuff to Lee once and for all from a former insider's perspective. I selected Why Do Catholics Do That? It looked to be a straightforward, thorough, historical account of  well, why do Catholics do all the stuff they do!

{we went to Disney World when the twins were four months-it wasn't actually as nuts as it sounds! We used points from Lee's work travelling and we had a great trip!}

I was blown away. I just love history. I have a BSed in history, but I'd truly never dug into Christian history. It was both fascinating and frightening.

I realized with growing horror that God was calling me to become Catholic! In fact, I vividly remember running up the stairs one evening and finding Lee in our bedroom.

"Honey, I think we're gonna have to become Catholic!" I shrieked.

He was was sitting calmly on the bed reading something and he glanced up at me, "I know. That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

So we made our way into the Church. Many friends were surprised, and alienated also. Family members were happy, shocked and disturbed. This was all around the time the scandals in Boston were all over the news.

Finally though we were home and you know, despite the varied reactions and disruptions, I truly felt at peace again. A peace I hadn't experienced in many years. There are more things to say about this conversion, the foray into RCIA for Lee, trying to attend mass the first few times with the four kids (4 and under), trying to meet other Catholics who were as hyped up for their faith as we were and so on. Maybe someday I can write down those experiences too.

But, back to our kiddos....

Although I entered the Church in solid faith and with full knowledge and total acceptance of Her teachings, even the teachings on sexuality, I had a small secret in my heart.

I was very, very glad I had already had my tubes tied before I came back to the Church.

Tales of an Accidental Mega Mom pt. 2

This is part the second of how I unintentionally ended up with seven kids. To start at the very beginning (a very good place to start- I have to sing that in my Maria vonTrapp voice, do you? ) click here.

Pt.2

So there I was at the ripe old age of 27 having decided that 4 kids for me was quite enough thankyouverymuch. I did have 4 kids under the age of 4 though so it's not like I was slacking.

We had married in the Episcopal church and we ended up having our kids baptized, but we never became members and just before I became pregnant with the twins, we joined a new church that was non-denominational.

The pastor there is an incredible speaker. He is known worldwide and has several books and can be seen on television. Today this church has several campuses where they holographic-ally project him as he gives his sermons. Maybe this is an urban legend, but a friend of a friend tells of one woman who attended a satellite campus for a few weeks before realizing that it wasn't actually him up there on the stage.

When we attended about 10-11 years ago they were just getting started, and by this I mean there was one campus and they only has about 3-4,000 families. So to get people connected, the church sponsored small groups and we joined one to meet some couples we could get together with and discuss our faith and become friends. It really is a great idea and we met some wonderful families.

Our group had about 5 couples and we were all roughly the same age and had small kids. We had just moved to a beautiful, large McMansion home when I was pregnant and so we became the weekly hosts. We would choose a book and we'd all read it and discuss it. We also had a babysitter come and watch the kids and everyone would bring some food for dinner.

It was really great y'all. We'd pray for each other and support each other. I think this is a great model that many Catholic Churches could benefit from.

Anyway, one day after we'd had our group over the night before, I was talking with one of our new neighbors, Mike K. He and his wife were empty nesters and just real friendly. Somehow the topic of what all those people were doing over came up and how they were from our church and all.

And then somehow it came up that I was a lasped Catholic.

And then somehow it came out that Mike K. was a practicing and devout Catholic.

And soon we learned that he was also an amateur Catholic apologist...

{PHFR} + Tales of an Accidental Mega Mom

Well the charger to my fancy camera is still missing. In fact, I think I might have accidentally put it in the Goodwill bin when I was cleaning out my desk. I feel pretty bad about it, but my mom can do one better, she accidentally put our family heirloom handmade baptismal gown in the Goodwill bag when they were moving.

I know!

But after a good cry we were over it and we do have another gown because we needed one when we had the twins baptized, so I just told her we have a new family heirloom now...but I digress.

Also my phone isn't syncing so I can't post any new pictures and therefore I have been inspired to do something a little different today!

I can't tell you how many times I get comments on our family size and how close together in age they all seem.

Truly y'all, all.the.time.

These days the questions don't phase me much. In fact seven kids seems like hardly any kids on some days...except on days when it feels like hundreds!

The real true life story of how we, who never intended to have a 'big' family ended up with seven (so far) blessings is pretty amazing, but also kind of long so I don't really go into detail when folks make those charming little comments...

I would like to tell you though, dear blogosphere.  We always seem to have plenty of time, don't we?

Here goes:

We married on June 14th 1997. I was 22 and my groom was 23. Weren't we adorable little babies?!

{pretty, pretty young!}

I was raised Catholic, Lee agnostic-ish and we ended up getting married in the Episcopal Church because that's where my Mom ended up. I didn't really care and neither did he and my mom did, so that's what happened. 

We knew we wanted to be parents soon. For some paranoid reason I was totally convinced we would have trouble conceiving so of course I became pregnant after we'd been married five months. 

Jake was a darling, easy baby and we thought, hey let's have another! Jake and Ryan are 14 months apart and are best friends.  

When Ryan was nearing two we really wanted to complete our family. You see, when we married I said I wanted 4 kids and Lee said 2 kids, so 3 kids was our compromise.

So cute, so super cute and dumb we were. 

{happy no.1 and no.2}

Imagine then, our shock when the doctor saw Baby A and Baby B on the ultrasound!

Yes, I did think "Ha! I win! I win" :)

Plus Baby B was a girl so that was pretty awesome.

{Ha ha! Twins! Funny!}

And then? Well, I am not one of those ladies that just loooooooves to be pregnant. In fact, I loathe it. I always have morning sickness, terrible, dehydrating sickness that can tend to make me depressed. The twin pregnancy did me in y'all. I was miserable at the end. I had been on bedrest for about 4 weeks with toddler boys at home.

But, even before the very end, we had decided that this pregnancy was it. We were done with four and very happy and thankful. So, when the delivery ended up in a c-section the doctor went ahead and did what I had very explicitly and repeatedly asked him to do over the last nine months. He cut and cauterized my fallopian tubes. 

Yes. I had my tubes tied when I was 27. 

{real, 4 is enough}

Thanks be to God there is more to this story. Much much more, so stay tuned!

Reality Check

I came across this site visiting Tienne's blog Take The Poor With You. I admire Tienne and am especially grateful for this blog reference.

Reading through this site forced me into a stark reality check. The human rights situation in China is not rosy. I can't help but wonder why this isn't discussed more often in our media. I really have no clear answer.

I think in the China adoption community there is a real concern that discussing these issues might put adoptions in jeopardy. That is probably not unfounded. I am going to add this link to my sidebar and I hope you will visit it, read and pray for the people of China.

Yippee!

Some friends of our will be getting the referral of their daughter today. Their LID was 11/22/05. Our was 05/23/05 and we have have been home with Mary Clare for almost 18 months. I truly do not know how that have held it together during this wait that has kept growing and stretching, but I completely admire them. I do know that either today or tomorrow, after they see her sweet face for the first time, those months of waiting will seem like days and they will know that this little one was meant just for them.

Consequences

I just heard a wonderful thing. Remember back in April when Lee and I worked on the Holy Week Missions? It was a wonderful experience, but in the weeks leading up to it I was not so excited. At the last minute I needed to lead up the Kids Track. It is like a mini camp for the kids of the missionaries to attend while their parents have some training and spiritual guidance before heading out.

Honestly, I was not thrilled to be doing this and especially not thrilled about the time frame. Someone who was going to be heading this up had to cancel at the last minute and there really was no one else who could take this on. With much sighing and grumbling, I sucked it up and took it on. I knew that God would make it what it needed to be as long as I gave it my best shot.

It came together wonderfully, of course. While I was working in the kids track which was for kids over 3, Mary Clare went to the nursery area that was being run by a great lady named Emily. I had to get there pretty early to set up, so Lee took Mary Clare over to the nursery area early to hang out with Emily.

Emily and Andy have been married for about 6 years and have just not been able to conceive. Every day after the camp was over, Lee would tell me how MC did great in the nursery and how all of the caregivers just loved having her there and how Emily loved the special morning time she was having with MC one on one.

Lee saw Andy this Monday night and heard how they are in the middle of paperwork to adopt from China! Adoption was definitely something they were considering, but apparently, meeting and spending time with Mary Clare really sparked them into action to move forward with a China adoption.

I am so grateful that God let me know about this little turn of events. I knew that doing the kids camp was the right thing and that I needed to do it. I just really, REALLY did not want to do it. I know that God uses our choices, our little 'yes Lord I will do this even though I am dreading it!' answers in many ways that we will never even know of, but this time, for some reason, He let me in on one way our presence at this event made an impact.

Next time something comes into my path and my first reaction is a similar sense of dread mixed with duty, I will look back at this and know that my little 'yes' will likely be used in a very big way. In fact my whole attitude about things like this may be changed and maybe I won't even experience the dread. Well maybe not quite as much, I know these things take time!

So, thank you, all of you out there in the world, for all of your 'yesses'. Even though you may never know how they impacted the world, I am positive that many blessings in my life are as a direct result of your answer to serve God in some way that you were not so thrilled about.

This Date in History

With all of the excitement around here (missions, Easter, seizures etc.) I have been distracted and haven't really reflected on the significance of this month.

It has been over one year now since we landed on U.S. soil and our precious daughter became an American citizen. We arrived home on April 15th 2006. It was the night before Easter.

The next morning, Easter, I woke up feeling pretty rested and full of energy.
When Jojo and Gampy arrived with all of the kids, MC met her brothers and sisters for the first time. It was simply incredible to see them all together on the couch cuddling and cooing at their baby sister. MC handled it very well. She was very solemn and patient and let them fuss all over her. She was curious about them too and her eyes darted from one face to the next. Laine finally was able to do the one thing she had been longing to do ever since she knew she was going to have a baby sister, feed her a bottle!




We headed to Mass where we had to stand in the back because we were late. I remember feeling so happy, as if I was floating on air. I didn't mind standing and holding Mary Clare one bit.

The rest of the afternoon is a blur I admit. I crashed after Mass and even though we went to a family egg hunt I don't remember too much!

I do remember a few nights later sitting in the den with the older boys and Mary Clare. Lee was tucking the twins into bed and Mary Clare was finishing her bottle. We were all squished into a big chair and after her bottle we kissed and played with her and she got the hiccups. It was the first time Jake and Ryan had heard her have the hiccups and they though it was hilarious. They giggled and then slowly Mary Clare smiled and the she hiccuped again and as the boys laughed again she giggled a little too! It was a hiccup-giggle spiral for several minutes.

Many people have asked me, both before Mary Clare was with us and even more recently, "How are the kids adjusting? What do they think about this?" They ask with curiosity and maybe a tiny bit of anxiousness for us. Sometimes it is difficult to adjust to a new family member. This is not the situation with our family however.

She is loved and cherished by all of us. She is also poked at, bugged, knocked down accidently and tickled to the extreme. She is read to and sung to and scolded at just as any other toddler.

Sometimes when I see her with her siblings, rolling around like puppies and chasing each other around the house and so forth, I sigh and shake my head. Sometimes I raise my voice and demand that everyone just Settle Down Immediately. Sometimes I grin and bite my tongue to keep it from calling out the former. Sometimes, some very wonderful and gracefilled times, I also remember the amazing blessing and gift of siblings.

I have one very dear sister and I am so grateful that she is mine! I hope to instill a sense of love and value between my children so that as adults they will honor the unique sibling status. Who else will know exactly what you mean when you recall Dad's goofy jokes and funky smells? Who else will remember the unique twinkle of mom's eye when she is in a teasing mood and the feel of her soft kiss on a boo boo?

Siblings can know you very intimately. The good, the bad and yes the ugly. And if your mom and dad have raised y'all up right they love you anyway! A healthy sibling relationship is an awesome testament and example of the love of Christian brotherhood that Christ desires for us.

Well this got to be much longer than I had intended when I sat down to reflect on our journey as a family. I like where it has taken me though. Thinking on my own happiness and joy at seeing my kiddos grow in love together has renewed my appreciation for sibling loveliness.

Love ya sis!

Old Same

Mary Clare and Emma in China


Last week my friend Bev came over with her girls to hang out and have dinner. Bev and I met almost one year ago when we travelled to China to meet our new daughters. She lives about 40 minutes away and we don't get together that often, but when we do it is like no time has passed at all. She is just one of those people you can do that with. I am happy to know several of those people because I am not the best at keeping up. I am constantly amazed at how several sweet women still count me as a friend, even if we haven't talked in months!

Mary Clare and Emma May 06


Her older daughter (bio) is in 6 and gets along great with the older kids and Emma is only a couple of days older than MC. They are from the same orphanage in China. Interestingly, we know of several families in Atlanta with girls from this orphanage, thousands of miles away. One family even lives in Bev and Shanes's small neighborhood.

Anyway, I took this book to read on the plane. In an nutshell, two girls have an arranged friendship and form a close bond as they grow up. The name for this type of relationship is 'old same'. I gave the book to Beverly to read while we were there and we both decided Emma and MC are to be 'old sames'. Without the added bonding during their footbonding rituals, of course.
Emma and Mary Clare August 06


I snapped some more pics last week but the were bathtub pictures and a little too risque for the internet, hee hee.

Now the girls are nearing two. We see evidence of two-ness in both cuties. They are both very independant and strong willed personalities. There is something about what they have been through that must lend to this inner toughness. These girls will take on anything. When I think about all of the Chinese girls who have been adopted in the United States, I can't help but consider their generation 20 years from now.

The adoption process from China is not an easy one for the waiting familes right now. Families who thought they would be waiting a year or so to meet their new daughters are waiting two years or more. It is so frustrating to see this slowdown and the reasons why are many and varied. My hope is that someday soon perhaps there will be less of a need, fewer children being abandoned and needing families. While that may be the case (and officials are describing slight drops in numbers) right now there are still thousands of children, mostly girls, living in orphanages and hundreds entering the institutions daily.

Our adoption agency, CCAI, sponsors children and many adoptive parents find ways to support the orphanages in China and provide things like water heaters, air conditioners, medicines and surgery. Check out these groups too.

Half the Sky Foundation
Alliance for Children

Rumors.......

I belong to a couple of yahoo groups about China adoptions. One is very general and others are for people with close LIDs and/or using the same agency.

Every couple of weeks people start writing what their agencies are telling them about when the next batch will be coming and what LIDs it will include. All of the rumors are just exhausting.
One current, and often repeated rumor says that the next group will be mailed out next week and will include LIDs up to 5/10. Another says they won't come for 3 more weeks and will only include the last half of April. It is an emotional rollercoaster just reading these speculations.
So why do I keep reading them? Because I have become a rumor addict and these yahoo boards are my shady connection to some cheap fix.

It really is crazy because sometimes there will be totally contradictory rumors circulating about the referrals and some even come from an agency. I am not sure why the dates and the timing are so shrouded in mystery.

During the Big Wait I have learned so much about myself and grown in character and virtue too I hope. Simplicity is a virtue I am working on and the adoption process has been a perfect setting to be challenged and to grow in simplicity.

This process has revealed that I am a closet control freak. Well, maybe it was a secret to me and everyone else already knew that. Anyway, at least now I know that is a tendency and I can really try to overcome it.

So while these rumors get me tense and/or excited at times, I have learned to take them with a grain of salt. This is not to say that I am immune to the rumor drug, but maybe I am building an immunity to the highs and lows of the news. I am going to be travelling over the Christmas weekend and I am challenging myself not to check any of the boards until I get home on Tuesday.

Where is our baby?!

For those not familiar with the way a China adoption works here is a brief overview: You gather tons of paperwork and documentation including birth certificates, marriage cerificate, police clearance and more. You also have visits with a social worker and a homestudy done. After you gather up all of this, all of the paperwork has to go through a very complete certification process that the Chinese require to proove that you are indeed who you claim to be and that everyone who signed off on your paperwork is legit too. In fact the final step is authentication of all of this paperwork done by the Chinese Consulate themselves, just to make sure all of the Americans who signed off on this were not lying too. Anyway after all of this is complete it is translated and sent to the CCAA, the Chinese government agency that handles all China adoptions and your dossier is logged in. This is when we get the v.v. super important Log In Date (LID) Ours is 5/23.

Then you just wait. It is called the Big Wait. China will send back a group of matches (referrals, a specific baby that your family is approved to adopt and matched with) about once a month. This group includes families that have specific LIDs in a given range. This range is variable, sometimes it is a whole month, sometimes less. Lately it has been about 2 weeks worth, that is why we did not get a referral in late November like we had originally thought.

The last group of referrals was recieved Dec. 10th. It included families who were LID 4/1-4/14.
So that is where things stand. We really just don't know when we will get our referral, but we are looking at March maybe? If the CCAA is only matching 2 weeks at a time then March would seem seem be logical, right?

BUT......the CCAA is pretty unpredictable. Before the October referrals were recieved, the CCAA had been matching whole months at a time and it is a possibility that they could do so again.

A year ago today.........

It was exact one year ago today that Lee and I decided to pursue the adoption of our daughter in China. I remember because it was the Third Sunday of Advent and also the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe We soon picked our agency. At that time we and later in January or February I wrote this email, I borrowed a lot (with permission!), but I think I tried to throw it together with my own personal voice. Note how the wait has increased to about 9 months!


Dear family and friends,

For a few of you this is old information, but some of you haven't heard our exciting news yet . . . our family is in the process of adopting a daughter from China! We are thrilled and excited beyond belief, and are working hard to bring our daughter home. As we have been sharing our news with both family and friends, many questions have arisen. Questions regarding our initial decision to adopt, questions regarding the adoption process, and specific questions regarding adoption from China. We are writing this letter to fill you in on the details, both large and small. We want to give everyone the opportunity to understand how we came to this decision and how we are moving through the adoption process. Be prepared, this is a long letter, if you aren't interested in the details, just skim along and look for what interests you.

Why Adopt?
For some, the news that we are adding another daughter to our family came as a huge surprise, and to many our family seems complete. For years I (Tracy) have dreamed that our family would be able to participate in the miracle of adoption. I don't know how or exactly when the dream began, but I've been interested in adoption for more years than I can remember. After giving birth to the twins, we made a decision we now regret that we would not have any more biological children. The years have gone by quickly and Lee and I have had some discussions regarding adoption. While we would discuss adoption, sometimes casually and sometimes at length, we never felt called to pursue it in earnest. That is until this last winter. We really can't explain it, but we both felt God tugging at our heart that we were meant to have another daughter. Our conversations turned to action. We called an adoption agency and began collecting information.

So, calls were made, paperwork was gathered and we prayed and prayed and prayed.

Why China?
There were several factors that we looked at when determining where we would adopt from. Ultimately, we believe God led us to China because that is His will for our family, but the process of learning about the millions of orphans worldwide has been heart wrenching and convicting. There are more than 30 million orphaned children around the world. Nearly 2 million of these children are in China, and it is estimated that only 2% of these children are ever given a forever family and a place to call home. Every year in China, hundreds of thousands of baby girls are put into orphanages. Adoption resources estimate that only 6,000 to 8,000 of these orphans are adopted each year. Those precious children that are left behind will grow up in the orphanage, and at age 18 will "age out" and be sent out to live on their own, usually with very little or no training, skills or source of income. The figures are staggering, and the stories are heart breaking.
One of the factors that contributed to our decision to adopt from China was the fact that we felt called to have another daughter. China's orphanages are filled to overflowing with little girls . . . just waiting for their forever family. Another factor that we considered was travel. When adopting from China we will travel just once, at the very end of the process, to meet our daughter face to face and bring her home. Many other countries that are open to adoption require at least two trips, that circumstance just did not seem feasible to us. We have talked with others about domestic adoption and foster adopt. We considered both, but ultimately feel God's strong call to adopt from China.

The Process
The adoption process from China has four major steps:
#1 The Paper Chase
This process includes applying to the adoption agency of your choice and completing a Home Study. The Home Study is a thorough investigation into your personal, professional, financial and family life. It involves page after page of questions, medical information, letters of reference and financial statements. Also included in the paper chase is the application to the Immigration Department to bring a foreign adopted child into the US. (We are told that this application could take anywhere from 2 weeks to 8 months, and is a really hurdle to cross during the paper chase process.) Once the Home Study is complete and the official documents are gathered, all the documents must then be sent to various government agencies to be notarized, certified and authenticated. Whew! I'm tired just typing about it! Once all of these papers are complete, they will be considered an official Dossier that will then be sent to China. Once in China our dossier will be given a log in date, a date of huge importance during our journey. It is estimated right now that the date to receive the referral of your child typically comes six months after your log in date.
#2 The Wait
After months of paper chasing, once we have a LID (logged in date) in China we will begin waiting. We anticipate waiting six months or so, and we should be able to estimate when our referral is coming based on many internet adoption sites we now belong to. Each month we will be able to virtually "watch" other families receive their referrals and see how the wait time is progressing. The reason for the six month or so wait time, is that our papers will now be at the CCAA, China Center for Adoption Affairs, a Chinese Government Bureau that handles all international adoptions. Once there our papers will be translated, process and in general shuffled around until we are matched with our daughter.
#3 The Referral
Once China has matched us to our child, they will send us a photo or two of our child along with as much information as they have (which probably won't be much). We are specifically requesting a girl, under the age of 1. We expect that at referral our little girl will be between the ages of 6 and 12 months old. While some are surprised to hear that we will have no say or choice of what little girl we receive, we actually are thrilled with the process . . . we believe God has known from before time began who was meant to be in our family, and we are just waiting for Him to reveal her to us! The referral will hopefully include some general information about her personality and interests, and we will not be surprised if she has the typical "orphanage haircut." Many children in the orphanages are given very short haircuts in order to help promote cleanliness. Upon acceptance of our daughter, we will then be given travel approval from China and expect to travel within 6 to 8 weeks post referral. We already dream of Referral Day and what it will be like to "give birth" via adoption . . . we just can't wait! Given the way things are moving along, we can very tentatively estimate that we receive a referral in October 2005.
#4 The Travel
Once we receive our referral, we will know exactly where in China our little girl is waiting for us. Our travel will take approximately 10 to 14 days. We will fly first to the province in China where our little girl lives in an orphanage. We would expect to be united with our daughter within the first day or two after we arrive. We must spend 4 to 5 days in the province processing much of the Chinese adoption paperwork. We might also have the opportunity to visit our daughters orphanage, and perhaps her abandonment site (more on that later). After finishing our paperwork within the province, we will travel to Guangzhou, China where the US Consulate is located. This city is home to almost 7 million people and literally caters to the adoption community with lavish hotels, stores, and touristy type things. It is here that we will process our daughters' US Visa and passport and have a cursory medical exam. Once all of our work is done there, we will fly home to be united with our entire family!

China's Adoption Crisis

We would like to share with you some of the history as to why so many little girls live in and/or grow up in orphanages throughout China. Please realize that we share this information with you to help you understand all the emotions we are experiencing as we go through this process, and also to help you understand where our daughter is coming from. Some day at the appropriate time we will share this information with our daughter.

Birth Facts in China

China is the most populous country in the world with 1.2 billion people . . . that is 22% of the world's population. China has had a one child policy for the last several decades, and it is enforced to varying degrees within different regions of its country. Two years ago urban Chinese were granted the right to have two children per family, but not every family and every region is granted this privilege. In some places, a couple must apply to the government and receive an authorized schedule of with it is "their turn" to try for pregnancy. The penalties for having unauthorized children are severe and can consist of being fined a year's wages, the loss of a job, imprisonment, social ostracism, etc. Forced abortion has been a common practice to both eliminate an unwanted pregnancy or a baby girl. There are other, equally barbaric choices, that are made once a baby girl is born if an abortion was not performed while pregnant. But there is another choice, for those unwilling or unable to care for their child, they can abandon their baby in a public place, knowing that the child will be picked up, taken to a local police station and "logged in", and then placed in an orphanage. We have spent many hours imagining the agony those millions of mothers have faced when giving up their child. What must it be like to leave your child on the steps of the police station, and then hope that she might be one of the lucky ones who will be adopted into a home where she can be cared for and loved forever? The heartache that must follow these mothers forever just haunts us.

Baby Boys

China is primarily an agricultural country where hard labor is necessary for survival, and therefore there is a need for men and boys. Cultural practice also maintains the desire for a son. It is the son who will take care of the aging parents and carry on the family name and farm. In a country where this is no social security, pensions or retirement plans, a son is the security a family seeks. When a Chinese daughter grows up and marries, it is with her inlaws that she will live and serve.

Abandonment of Baby Girls

It is illegal in most of China to give birth to a second child. It is also illegal to abandon a child, though many seem to have no other choice because there is no system in place for a parent to make an adoption plan and place their child with another family. It is a relative Catch 22 for birthparents, forcing literally millions of parents to abandon their child anonymously. Some birthmothers leave a note of the child's birth day and possibly a bit more information, but for most abandoned daughters of China, there is no birth record or history to be traced. It is then up to the orphanage to give each child a name and birthdate.

Chinese Orphanages

There are about 1,000 orphan facilities in China, also know as Social Welfare Institutes (SWI). Only about 250 of these SWI's are licensed for international adoption. Those that are licensed receive income from the adoption fees; this income enables them to provide a relatively good environment for the children. Although many of these orphanages are short of resources and cannot give each child adequate personal attention, the caregivers do seem to become quite attached to the children. Because of the love and care the children do receive, babies from China, in general, are not showing significant attachment problems. While some children may be malnourished and many will be somewhat developmentally delayed, those who are adopted seem to be able to quickly overcome these initial set-backs. Please pray, not just for our future daughter, but for all of the precious children who are growing up without homes. It seems a bleak picture, but the more we are aware and praying and seeking to make a difference, the more beautiful the picture can become.

The saddest part of the orphanage story is the remaining 750 or so orphanages that have very little resources available because they are not participating in international adoption. These orphanages are unable to provide basic services like nutrition, medical care, education, or even heat. The plight of these children is practically unimaginable. Please pray. If you are led, there are many organizations and resources available to help these children who are desperately in need.

When We Return: Bonding

We will expect that our daughter will go through a sort of grieving process when we first take her in to our family. While in China we expect and actually hope for her to grieve the loss of the only caretakers she has ever known. Her grief would actually indicate a healthy ability to attach and bond with others. While we hope that our new daughter will be able to bond with us relatively easily and quickly, we realize this may not be the case. It will take her awhile to realize we are permanent and she is not going with anyone else. We will want to be very sensitive to our daughters need for attachment and bonding, so we will be taking every precaution we see necessary at the time. When we return home it will seem to our little girl like her entire world has been turned upside down, and in fact it will have. Every sight, sound, smell and taste will be new to her. She may take everything in stride or she may be overwhelmed for a few weeks. Please be patient with us when we return. If you come for a visit and we don't immediately pass her around, please know that we are just trying to make the most wise decisions possible to enable our daughter to adjust to her new and exciting life.

To sum it all up, we are humbled by God's gift to us that we are receiving by the miracle of adoption. We are thankful for your interest in our journey, and we hope that if you have any questions at all during this process you would feel free to ask us.

Thank you already for your sweet love and support,
Lee and Tracy

PS. If you are interested further to learn more about women in China and the factors leading to this gender imbalance and preference in China, we have a few suggestions!

Wild Swans, by Jung Chang - This is not about adoption, but is is a wonderful biography and autobiography of 3 generations of women in China throughout the 20th century. It really gave me some insights on to how and why China is the country it is today.

The Lost Daughters of China, by Karin Evans

Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son, Kay Ann Johnson, Amy Klatzkin

Lisa Ling hosted a National Geographic special on "China's Lost Girls". It is now on DVD and may be repeated on the National Geographic Explorer channel. She was also on Oprah to discuss the special and that may be in reruns as well.

PPS. China accepts potential international adoptive parents from ages 30-55ish and also a limited number of single women.........just in case you were wondering!

Next Generation

This was taken this summer at Lee's cousin's wedding. The kids include my 4 (the pasty ones) and their cousins. Will and Jack are Paul and Kim's twins. Paul is Lee's cousin and Kim is his wife. Kim was adopted from Korea and has graciously endured my pesty questions about being an interracial adoptee. The beautiful little girl on the bottom step is Isabelle. She is 5 and she is Alicia and Noe's daughter. Alicia is Lee's cousin. Alicia's dad (Lee's uncle) is from Chile and Noe is from Mexico.

On APC lately, race discussions have pretty much dominated the list. When we first decided to adopt, race just was a non-issue. I did talk with Kim and was able to get some insight on being an Asian American adoptee, but she is just one lady, as sweet as she is. Her reaction to the adoption was very positive and so for the next few months the inter-racial aspect of the adoption really was put further on the back burner. I was tucking this thought into the back of my mind; "Hey c'mon, I talked to Kim! She was adopted from Korea and look how great she turned out!" Yeah a kind of cop out I know, but we were pretty busy with the paperchase, then the move etc....

Now with all of this new time to kill waiting for the damn referral I guess I will reluctantly get my head out of my ass. I should start paying more attention to this issue and internally address the realities my daughter might encounter living as a Chinese adoptee. Thanks CCAA, like I need one more thing to obsess over. Great.

I understand that I do need to be more aware(?) of the ding dongs who might think less, or more, about my daughter because she is Chinese. What I am confused about though is exactly what I can actually do. Do I need to sit down with my kids (7,6, 3 and 3) and have a briefing or something on how to handle Racist Jerks who might dis their baby sister? That just doesn't seem authentic to me though. Honestly, I don't want us to become a a very special episode of Family Ties or something.

I think in the reality of our family they will all learn (Baby Smoosh included) to deal with the racism as they see us doing. And we will always talk openly with them when the questions and comments happen. Our social worker mentioned that we are already dealing with being Highly Visible Family and that is certainly a good thing we have going for us as an adoptive family (yay us!). She was referring, of course, to the fact that we have 4 small kids, including a set of the oh so adorable and coveted boy/girl twins.

We hadn't thought of it before, but we do have experience dealing with some highly personal public questions regarding our family status. We get plenty of looks (usually ranging from looks of pity to looks of admiration of which we feel very unworthy. the pity ones of course.) Strangers have asked me intimate details about my sex life and fertility, sometimes in loud and insistent tones. Usually though our encounters with the Curious Strangers are more harmless, just annoying. At times when we are approached by a CS, my wary and jaded older boys break into a set routine with sometimes deadpan delivery.

CS: Say there, what a big family you have.....(pause while we wait for the comic genius)........You must have your hands full!

Jake, answering for Mom: yes sir, full of love.

Ryan: My name is Ryan. I am 6. They are Luke and Lainey. They are twins. They are three years old. That is Jake he is 7. He is the oldest.

Jake: We are not twins. We are 14 months apart.

CS: So are the twins identical?

Ryan: No,man! Luke is a boy!

CS: Are you sure? Cause they look an awful lot alike.

Jake semi discretely rolls his eyes. Ryan not so discretely sighs and looks up at me.

Patient Mother, trying to herd her flock of cats through the crowded parking lot, in the rain: Yes, we are sure. Have a nice day!

Trying Not to Waste Time

I was enduring the Wait just fine until the last couple of months. Now it is excruciating. I have to consciously and continuously push thoughts involving anything involving China, adoption, travel, babies, bird flu etc...out of my mind.

It is officially mid-November and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. There is so much to do this time of year and I really really really want to enjoy this season and live in the present. It is important not just for my kids' sake but my own. I cannot just spend this season passing time away until we will get more news on the referral.

We are leaving for the Farm on Monday and will be there for about a week. Lots of folks that we do not see very often will be there. (My MIL have several random relatives and distant relations. I am just a married in folk, but I have always been warmly welcomed) I have been there once before 4 yeras ago. I had just found out I was PG, but we didn't know it was twins yet. I felt pretty crappy and I still enjoyed the trip overall.

This year will surely be even better. The kids are older, I won't be barfing and my SIL Nancy will be there too.

When we get back it will be the beginning of Advent. I am looking into starting a new tradition for our family this year, the Jesse Tree. It is where you set up a tree (real or fake, miniature or big, even a poster) and then add an ornament a night until Christmas. The ornaments all represent a Biblical event or prophecy leading to the birth of Christ.

I also thought it would be nice to give it away after Christmas to another family, passing along the tradition and then each year making another one.

Push Repeat Button

I went to a get together last night with my friends from college. Lauren was in town from Savannah so it was a good excuse for everyone to see each other. We took the kids and they were actually terrific and didn't destroy Ashley's home.

The sucky thing was having to answer the question "So, how's the adoption going?" 6 times! I kid you not. I should have just gathered everyone in a room and made a Big Announcement at one time. This was what I actually said (for full effect, re-read this 6 tmes): "Well, we originally thought we would be travelling sometime in January, but there is some big holdup in China. We are just hoping to be able to go by summer"

Then, after each of the 6 statements we had a mini Q and A where they would ask the basic 5 Ws and I acted like a PR person for Chinese adoption trying to field questions from reporters.

For some, the difference between domestic and Chinese adoption became more clear and there was just some good old fashioned edumacation going on. I was able to share why we chose China and that even though there is a delay in the referals we are at least 99 percent sure that we will be getting a daughter, unlike some domestic adoption situations where there is much more uncertainty.

However, there is one big unspoken question that remains for almost everyone who learns of our decision to adopt "Why in the world are you adopting when you already have 4 kids?" I know this question is hovering in their minds and is sometimes at the tip of their tongue. How do I know this? Because I am a mind reader! And of course, I probably would have the same thought if I met a family like us.

So, what I have to say is......None of your stinkin' business, you nosy noodle!

Nah, not really. I would love to explain, but the truth is there is just not a short easy way to explain this. Sorry, no neat little soundbite. Maybe I will blog about this because I think it is probably something my daughter will wonder as well and I want to be able to fully explain why we felt so compelled and driven to pursue her adoption.

Likely, it will be a lifelong process of helping her understand our unconditional love for her, just like for all of our kids. She will have the added questions of why me? why now? and why China? Maybe it will take a life time to explain the answers to her.

Nonetheless, I will try valiantly to reduce a lifetime of understanding to a simple blog. Nutty.

About Last Night

Last night Lee and I went to dinner and met several couples from the Atlanta area who are also adopting from China and who are DTC/LID near us (5/23) It was great to sit down and talk about things like the current referral delays and how we came to choose China.

Several ladies keep blogs and I felt so guilt for neglecting my own poor little blog, so here I am. Hi. Miss me?

So it looks like we will not be getting our referral at the end of November. In fact it might even be February. Apparently the CCAA has just stopped sending out referrals in the same time frame as they had been. They have really slowed down. My friend who adopted last year was LID in mid-June and was home from China with her daughter by February! The way things are looking now, we might not be travelling to China until March.

I am trying to be positive and I know that someday we will look back on this time and realise that all of this makes sense. We know that our daughter will be placed with us in God's time and as much as it confounds me, His timetable is usually much different than mine!

I promise to be a good blogger and really figure out how to use this thing and add pictures, bells and whistles.

Am I crazy?

It is very possible that I will be re-using this title again and again.

Tonight I took the kids up to PA because the high schoolers had their spring play "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" BTW....the actors were good, but man is that a pretty bad play.....

Jake and Ryan were pretty well behaved. They enjoyed seeing the older kids up there on stage. L and L were another story. Mainly Luke. He squirmed and just would not be still. I think he was ticked that everyone wasn't looking at him and clapping for him. Laine watched it mostly and only got a bit restl towards the end. I loved looking at her as she sat in that big chair with her ankles crossed and looked up intently at the stage. I could almost see the stars in her eyes!

It is hard going anywhere with them now that they are PT. They want to go like every 30 min. They just enjoy public restrooms really. Oh and Luke has to strip his pants and his underwear completely off. What a PITA.

I just keep trying to remember that by the time we have Baby Smoosh that they will be so much better and easier and be able to do more for themselves. I may just be kidding myself but it is working for me now, okay?

Short Version of the Paperchase

Ok I am a lamo and I have not written at all about the paperchase part of this adoption process. The truth is it is just not very exciting. You see it is just a bunch of paperwork and red tape. Honestly it is tedious and boring, not too much diary material.

Now though I am regretting not at least writing down what steps we did when, how the homestudy went and when we were fingerprinted etc etc blah blah blah. But I am not going to wallow in the regret too much because...................da da da....IT IS ALL DONE!!!

[this was going to be a short post about how we are now done with the paperwork, but I got a bit sidetracked] Yes, that is right, we finished the paperchase in what I am sure is record time. We are lucky because we have never been married before or had bizzare name changes or criminal histories..uh oh.... I mean I have no criminal history. L on the other hand has quite the rap sheet we discovered.

***** County government has a memory like an elephant. We had to request all the court findings and records bearing his name because he had a hazy and vauge memory of being written a ticket for underage possesion. The record we got has about 4 things on it though! It even included traffic violations from when he was 16! Whew!

No arrests though, right? Just some tickets, right?
Right?

uh uh.

My sweet husband is actually a felon! He was wanted in the state of Florida for skipping out on probabtion. He was leading a double life. However, it is all in the open now. It is with great shame that I reveal to the cyber world that my husband L was arrested at the age of 19 (nineteen, y'all for heaven's sake!) for shoplifitng a shark tooth necklace ( 2.99$) from Alvin's Island in Destin, Fl. Oh and if you are ever there shopping for trinkets and cheesy souveniers and you see him, please do not tell the manager because as part of his sentencing he was banned from Alvin's for life. I will let L be the one to explain the lurid and sordid details of his criminal past. Please, just don't ask him in the middle of the store.

Unbelieveably, the United States still saw fit to grant us the much coveted I171H which is our Official Permission to Adopt a Foreign Orphan. Halleluia!

Finally all of our paperwork,including 12 pictures of 'family life', is at our agency in Denver (Chinese Children Adoption International) and it is currently being translated and will be mailed to China next week.

Selecting an Agency

After scouring the internet and reading all I can find about adopting from China, we have selected the CCAI agency.

I had made a short list of possibilities and then I remembered that an aquaintance had adopted daughters from China. I emailed her just to get her references and see what she thought. She used CCAI, which was at the top of my short list and had a wonderful experience. Then I remembered that she had said they were going through the process again so I emailed her back just to see if I remembered correctly. Later, I recieved an email saying that yes they were and they receieved their referral just an hour before! They will be leaving for China to pick up their daughter Ali in February.

December 12th 2004

Today we decided to add to our family. We are going to adopt a little girl from China! I am so excited!

This is something we have talked about for about a year. This time last year I was really getting serious about pursuing adoption. Lee was more hesitant, but not against it really. Then we kind of put it on the back burner. Over the last few months, I felt comfy in our family and began to think perhaps adoption wasn't really right for us. This wasn't something I shared with Lee, but just a feeling I was settling with. Of course at the same time, Lee was feeling more and more like our family wasn't quite complete. He never came right out and said hey let's do this, but I could tell by the way he was talking that he as really leaning this way.

Now we are going to move forward.