Love's Possibility

There has been a lot of adoption blog buzz about this thread and specifically this reply post:

"I have a dear friend who has adopted 2 children, within 1 1/2 years of each other. She tells me all the time that her 'motherly instinct' kicked in with them the minute she held them. And being the wonderful friend that I am, I told her of course it did, they're your children. When in my head, I was thinking how could this woman possibly know what a motherly instinct really is when she has never had a child??? Evil bitch that I am.
Eh...point is, I can't bring myself to adopt a child. Not after having one of my own. I can not at this point convince myself that I could love a child that wasn't 'of' me. Nancy"

Nancy is not alone. There is a soul disease in our culture that renders people unable to envision Love in it's purest, self sacrificial form. To declare one's own ability to love to be bound and defined by the confines of our tiny experience of 'self' is extreme narcissism, something I struggle with as well. Even so, it is revealing that Nancy pre-emptively cuts herself off from the possibility she is even capable of another experience of love. I am achingly sad for her and for anyone who lingers in such a stunted state. Could this be one basis for depression or despair?

Simply, it is Love's possibility that makes life worth living. That's it folks in a nutshell, the very meaning of life.

In Nancy's defense, I honestly believe she has no idea the implications of her brief blog post. I am almost positive she has not developed a serious introspection contemplating Love. In fact the very word is just so vague in our modern consciousness. I have so many more thoughts on this and I just can't reign them in right now. I am thankful to be thinking about it though. I should add that this guy seems to explain it very well. The first part is especially helpful in defining and describing Love, but this is the kicker:

Love embraces the whole of existence in each of its dimensions, including the dimension of time. It could hardly be otherwise, since its promise looks towards its definitive goal: love looks to the eternal. Love is indeed “ecstasy”, not in the sense of a moment of intoxication, but rather as a journey, an ongoing exodus out of the closed inward-looking self towards its liberation through self-giving, and thus towards authentic self-discovery and indeed the discovery of God

Aquarium today

Today the boys have a half day so we are heading to the new Ga. aquarium this afternoon. We went right after Chritsmas and it is just fantastic. That day we were there early and the crowd didn't get horrible until noon. I am hoping that it won't be too rough today becasue it is not a holiday for most (kids are in a private school so their holidays don't coincide with all area schools).

Last time I forgot my camera so I am packing it up right now. Really, the aquarium is just unbelieveable, even better than we expected. I feel like a kid myself I am so excited!

ETA: It was great! Not overcrowded and just wonderful. The touch tanks are so cool. Jake said the stingray felt like jello. He's right. They had several touch galleries throughout the aquarium and the kids really remained engaged the whole time, even twins. Two hours just about did it for us and we missed traffic coming home.

Next? Yay! Crap.

So I think she will be in the next set of matches. I predict it will be here by the end of February. I really believe this.

I have great intuition, you know a 'gut' feeling. That feeling is eerily like nausea. As much as I have been talking big about how the delay sucks and how much I wish our referral was here already, part of me was actually relieved that our match is not in this weeks group.

I have not done anything to prepare in any way at all for this. By prepare I mean material stuff, baby gear etc. I have not made care packeage or firm childcare plans for my kids while we are in China. I have not even begun to think about packing for travelling to China for 2 weeks and including baby stuff. I have been actively trying not to think about the actual flights.

Oh and now that I am so sure that we will be matched in like 4 weeks? C'mon, I am still not going to do a damn thing.

Ok, maybe I will get a care package together. I will probably be eating more chocolate too.

Apparently, I am "IT"!

Cindy tagged me so here it goes! I have to admit I am a bit giddy! This is my first time being 'tagged'. Yes, I am a dork. (Stephanie tagged me too technically but she tagged all of her readers!)

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was in college having a grand old time with my super sweet boyfriend, the love of my life, Lee. This was right about the time he began to panic becasue he was graduating in the spring so he started to buckle down and get his grades up. I was all whiny becasue he was trading partying for studying! He ended up with a great job, it was the dot com boom and they were giving computer kids right out of college these unbelieveable jobs.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
We were starting the paperchase, I think we were doing the physicals

Name 5 Snacks you enjoy
Chocolate anythings
chips and salsa
pita bread and humuus
wine
baked brie and crackers

Name 5 things you would do with a million dollars
pay off our house
donate to our church
set aside money for school
get a new cars
remodel our kitchen

5 bad habits
procrastination
underestimating how long it will take to go somewhere
not putting my keys back on the rack
biting my nails
spaeking before I think somehting through

5 things I like doing
Reading
Gardening
Blogging
Cuddling
Traveling

5 things I would never wear, buy, or get new again...
beret
mini skirt
car (we only buy used)
bikini
halter top

5 favorite toys or games
Aquire
Monoploy
poker
charades (I know, but I love it!)
Fisher Price Little People

I was tagged by Cindy. Now, I tag.........
1. Sarah
2. Erica

All right girls......you're it!!

Something Stinks in Suburbia!

My fridge.

It started stinkin' earlier this week. My first reaction to the stink was to just grab what I needed and shut the door fast. That worked a whole day.

The fumes became almost noxious so I started grabbing old stuff when I opened it (and the quickly shut it) to toss away. I did this for a couple of days. Lots of old stuff in there.

Alas, the stink is still there!

I guess today I will pull out a face mask and open the windows and do some CSI investigative cleaning.

The Good Thing

I feel like I need to share my bittersweet about this delay in referrals and the wait in general. My perspective is different from so many other moms who are waiting for the match (I just really think 'match' sounds warmer somehow than referral, not sure why) of their daughter.

This baby is not our first, nor second. This dear one is our fifth. We have three boys and one other daughter. They are still very young (7 and under) so you can imagine how busy things can get around here. Even in the midst of the general business of our lives, the new baby is on all of our minds. As a family we talk about her daily. Lainey especially is just bursting with excitement to have a baby sister.

Anyway, it has only been a little over a year since we made the decision to adopt and started the process. Honestly, that is just piddly compared to what some of my friends have endured as they worked, suffered and fought to build their families, both before and after making the decision to adopt. We had few problems gathering our paperwork and doing the homestudy. There was a slight delay in getting our 171h and then there was that May holiday delaying our final step, but overall it was not a nail biting hair pulling time.

After being logged in on May 23rd, I pretty much just sat back and was able to relax. We were moving, it was summertime with the kids home and things had been moving pretty steadily at CCAA and we knew that nothing would really be happening until November or December.

In late October the Big Delay began and I was just blindsided. Here I was skipping merrily along making plans, telling everyone I met about how we were going to get matched with our daughter in 'Oh about two months at the most' and then this stinking delay hits me like a bucket of cold water!

WTH?

At first I moped along in that cold, wet mood. Then I began to try to pick out good things about this delay. Traveling in the spring is certainly much better. Our finances could use a few months of time to bulk up. The kids will be a bit older and it will be easier for us to leave. Maybe, she-the one for us-our daughter, just wasn't ready yet.

These thoughts helped me unsag a little. I was still pretty mopey though.

Then I began really read more. I especially began to read more blogs, of both women who have returned from China with their new little one, those of us in waiting and also some discerning adoption. I peeked out of my of box life.

I saw a multitude of versions of our own parenting story. I also saw many women who just ache to love. Women who have really really suffered just to get the opportunity to make the lifelong, continuous sacrifice of motherhood (more suffering, guaranteed!). Truly, I am overwhelmed at the giant wellspring of hard core mother love out there in the world. I am just humbled.

I have taken all of this in. I am still taking it in. I love reading about other moms just trying to be the best damn moms they can. We may have different political views, faiths, ideas on sleeping, bottles and pre-schools, but how cool is it that there are all these women out there who just want to give themselves over to another human being in a way that only mothers can? It is pretty freaking cool, that's what it is.

I have begun to look at my own mom-ness in a new way during this Big Delay. I am embracing it with more energy and intention. During this Big Delay my love for my kids, especially, my daughter in China has expanded in that crazy, mysterious way of love, even when you thought your heart was full to capacity 2 years ago. I have had the opportunity to experience a sobbing yearning and longing for her, for another human, that I have never felt in my life. I have definite throb in my heart for a soul, halfway around the world that I have never laid eyes on. And it gets stronger every day.

I am positive this is a Good Thing.

Default spellchecker is not so good

Words I have had to Learn my Spell Checker
by moi

1. tricycle
2. trike
   
3. heh
4. Laine
5. blog
6. y'all
7. yay
8. dealies
9. delusional
10. thongs (it only recognizes the singular)
11. LID
12. cheapskate
13. Marshall's
14. TJ
15. Maxx
16. thingys
17. kickball
18. cul

please note this is an incomplete and evolving list

This is just a blah blah blog. I don't even have a title. I have nothing to say on the adoption stuff. Nothing. I know nothing. No new info.

In other news, Lee has taken a new job. I am wondering if we have to do anything, get a new letter of employment or whatever. I really don't want to ask the SW bc if we do I will be pissed and then we will have to do whatever said thing is because they will know. But, if we don't ask, will it ruin everything? *sigh* Any input you have is fine. I can't promise I will take it, but thanks.

Um, let's see, what else is going on? Hmm Jake is playing in a kickball tournament at school, during recess I guess. Today there was a tie, but he got tagged once and made it to 2nd the next time up at kick. Just talking about it with him made me long to play. Man, I loved kickball! I love the thong! when you get a good solid kick. I also loved nailing the other kids with the ball to tag them out. I got my fair share on thongs! on my head too so stop whining. I am not a bully or anything, it was just so satisfying and it didn't hurt really. I wonder where you can get a good kickball? Only a good red one can be used for real kickball. Then I started thinking about 4-square. That was another fun game. I was so excited telling the kids about it, but then I had a lame mom moment and couldn't remember some details, like how to actually play. note to self: research 4-square on internet.

Hung out in the cul-de-sac with L and L a bit today. The weather is freakishly warm, like almost 70. My mom says that means ice storm in April. Anyway L and L went around in circles on their tricycles for awhile. They began a race and when Laine couldn't keep up she just pulled over to the island and said "no more racing I am done." Later, Luke kept bumping her with his trike as he lapped her, with the requisite evil laugh "heh heh heh!" She just likes to go slow, she is a cautious, defensive biker.

Kids! Time For Some Adoption Math (tm Mary-Mia)

Pardon me while I work out a few scenarios.

Scenario #1: A mysterious referral package leaves China at the end of January. It contains LIDs from 4/25-5/12. If no more referrals come until late February or early March, when will a)we get a referral and b) when would we then travel?

a) Well we may get a referral in that late February early March batch so long as the CCAA doesn't decide it needs to move it's office/hire new people/take a vacation again. Or just send match up until 5/22.
b) MAYbe (because there is some trade show in late April and there is a holiday the whole first week of May so usually not much travel during those 3 weeks)

Scenario #2: A mysterious referral package leaves China at the end of January. It contains LIDs from 4/25-5/23 (yes I know this is utterly ridiculously delusional). If no more referrals come until the end of February or early March, when will a) we get a referral and b)when would we then travel?

a)Late January early February, because, you see, 5/23 is our LID!!!
b) March!!

Scenario #3: A mysterious referral package leaves China at mid January. It contains LIDs from 4/25-5/17. If another referral package comes in February, when will a) we get a referral and b) when would we then travel?

a)February
b)early April?

Personally, I am a big fan of scenario no. 2. It is the least likely scenario, but I am ready to try being an optimist for awhile. Yay! Go Scenario #2.

Now, some might say scenario #3 is just as unlikely, but I disagree. It is possible that CCAA is going to start sending out smaller referral batches, but sending them more frequently. Eh? You like that? Sounds intriguing, no? Well, I am just making that up, TPTB have not ever actually said that and there has not been even a hint that it is their intention, BUT......... I think it sounds like a good plan, so there.

For real, I need to look at May for travel. May! I cannot believe it! That is 5 months off of when I thought we would be going just 2 months ago (does that make sense? all this higher math is giving me a headache)

The lengths

I am cheap. I will only buy stuff if it is on sale, a good sale. I buy in bulk when possible, but mostly for dry goods. I learned my lesson about buying produce etc. in bulk when the gallon of yogurt stuffed way back in my fridge turned into cheese. I am not brand loyal except for a few special things such as Colgate Total, Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix, and Diet Coke. I especially love Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Tuesday Morningfor clothes and junk. Unfortunately it is not prudent or sane to bargain hunt at Marshalls and the like with 3 yr. old shopping assistants.

Anyway, I wanted to document my latest cheapskate episode. It involves c.c. cookies, my absolute fave. I was able to go grocery shopping alone today (what bliss!) and as I passed refrigerated cookie section I could not help but notice the big SALE sign. Mostly there were those slice and bake dealies, but wait! The break and bake cc. holiday cookies were in there too! You see they are just regular cc cookies with some tree and santa looking bits scattered on top. Woo Hoo! Only 1.25 y'all!

Later, baking them at home I realised I could even pull off the holiday looking thingys if I wanted too and just have regular c.c. chip cookies and not have my cheapness staring me right in the face as I eat my yummy Christmas cookies in February! Yes, you can freeze them. So I am going back tomorrow to stock up.

PS. don't think I don't know that homemade c.c. cookies are soooooo much better than these refrigerated ones, it's just that I have never met a c.c. cookie I didn't like and as I said above I am Cheap, and maybe easy too.