People are always commenting to us about how close our children are. Sure, they bicker and glare at each other occasionally like most kids, but overall they are very loyal and loving towards each other. Their love and loyalty is obvious enough for folks to comment on it and ask us about how we get our kids to actually like each other. The short answer is, "We force them!"
Lee and I made a decision to encourage the virtue of sibling loyalty in the kids very early on in our parenting career. We figured not only is it good for the kids, but also, kids who get along well make our lives easier too! Maybe this virtue occurs naturally and easily in some families, but we really put in effort at our home. Many volatile situations arise when you have children very close in age and temperament. Let's face it, most likely after we are dead and gone, they will still have each other. I want them to be able to encourage, support and rely on each other for the rest of their lives.
The main component in our loyalty plan is simply fostering an awareness of the unique and special sibling relationship. We stress to them that brothers and sisters are for life. Friends will come and go, but even best friends will not be as close to you as your siblings. We also consciously foster a sense of family pride and honor. We discuss our goal and purpose as a family and even have a cheesy family song.
In general, we have a low tolerance for bickering and pestering behavior. When we notice someone bugging or speaking rudely to another we intervene as quickly as we can. We give them a *script prompt to help them talk to each other in more kind ways. We get the eye rolls and deep sighs, but they do it and everyone is happier in the end. After they apologise we have them hug or handshake and say 'brothers forever' (with the boys) 'twins are special' (between L and L) and also 'best friends forever' and 'Culloms forever' works well too. It may seem trite to adults, but saying these words while looking at each other in the eyes encourages love and loyalty.
I know this sounds ideal and like we must have stepford kids, but believe me this virtue training is ongoing.
I am the first to explain that they do not always get along perfectly. I have two that are like oil and water and have conflict more than the others. I certainly can't sit back and relax all the time while my kids play serenely in the background, but I can testify to some real results.
I hope these ideas encourage other parents to make a special effort in fostering loyalty among their children.
I am also interested in hearing of ways other families are making sibling loyalty a priority in their homes. So, please comment if you have advice and ideas!
*One of the most helpful tools we have used in fostering this loyalty is how they handle apologies. When someone has done something deliberately and on purpose to hurt or annoy another, a simple "I'm sorry" is not enough. The offender must say some form of, "Please forgive me for X,Y and Z. I really love you and don't want you to be hurt or sad." They must be as specific as possible about what they have done and the offended must say, "Yes, I forgive you." Then they end with the handshake or hug and the special phrase. Of course with friends they don't say all of the sibling stuff, but the basic apology form is the same.
*UPDATE 3/24/2012*
Well I have to say this post is still pretty much ringing true. We've added 2 more kids and kept up the sibling love and loyalty I believe. It's not that we don't have bickering, it's that I still really feel that as a family we still have a strong family bond going on here. I do pray that this continues.
8 comments:
I love what you're doing, Tracy. I guess, in a way, I am really doing that with L & S too; "fostering a special sibling relationship", as you said. I just didn't have the words for it.
I would say we have a low tolerance for bickering and the behavior that goes along with it, as well. One thing that I've always told my girls is how very special it is to have a sister, that I never had a sister and they are so lucky to have each other...and then I go into ways that they are lucky.
I love when I overhear them saying goodnight to one another or talking to one another and out pops, "I love you, Sydney. You're the bestest sister EVER!" I will admit. I hear it a lot.
I really enjoyed reading this post and your idea on how you handle apologies. I think I may incorporate that around here. Thanks!
Oh, and Happy Belated Birthday to L & L! I loved your Now and Then pictures. SO sweet!
Tracy, you and Lee never cease to amaze me! Where were you when Randy and I were raising Claire and Alan? Oh yeah, you were a kid yourself! :) Your kids are very blessed to have you and Lee as parents and they truly reflect your efforts in raising them with such love and care. What wonderful parents you are!
As one who has witnessed firsthand the closeness of your children and even an apology or ten, I do not think that what you expect from them is trite in the least.
I know you and Lee are not perfect (none of us are), but you are a wonderful example of a Christian family. As you know, Beth and I hope to one day be blessed with children and it is without any sense of exaggeration that we hope to be half the parents you both are.
Good kids do not just come ready-made out of the womb. Sure you can have kids with an easy disposition or great thoughtfulness, but without ‘forcing them’ into more they can easily lose those gifts. People might tell you that you are blessed to have such wonderful children to start with (and you do have wonderful children), but anyone with any sense knows that it is a life of work/love to help them to be that way. That is one of the things we admire about both of you. You cultivate your children’s gifts and virtues. You realize their weaknesses give them strength in other areas and most importantly you instill in them a love of Christ.
Sorry this was a bit off of your topic…
Thank you both for the witness you give as parents.
Lisa S. called methis morning and overheard a moment between LiLi and Ian. She told me I need to read this post. I need advice! Since Ian has been an only child, it was so easy. Ian is very much what you described, and we were the same way with him, Please forgive me ..., LiLi is proving to be much more of a challenge. She would rather die than let a simple I'm sorry come out of her mouth, let alone plese forgive me. I am so distraught over what to do. I realize I may be to blame too. Ugh! I just want them to love and respect one another. I cannot abide fighting.
What a wonderful post! We do the same - encourage sibling friendship and love, although my two are spread pretty far apart. I agree that for most siblings it has to be taught. I'm sending this post to my sister; she needs to read this.
Thank you for your post!
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I read this post a while back and loved the idea. I started demanding full apologies and forgiveness, a hug and a brothers forever or whichever fits. Amazing, they end up giggling and happy instead of mad and resentful.
Can I email you? mine is colettewhit@gmail.com
I would love to ask you about your adoption if you would care to share
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