Quick thinking

"Hey mom, what are hooters?" she says.
"Whaaa?" I glance up at the giant busty lady on the billboard. "Oh yeah, they're owls, you know-cause they hoot. It's a restaurant."
Thank God there is an actual owl on the sign. He's hiding behind the lettering, his eyes standing in for the Os, but he's there.
Silence.
She snorts. "Well, that's a silly name for a restaurant."
"Yeah baby, I know."
I give myself a mental pat on the back. Thanks to my quick thinking my 7 yr. old's innocence is preserved just a bit longer.

Sibling Loyalty

People are always commenting to us about how close our children are. Sure, they bicker and glare at each other occasionally like most kids, but overall they are very loyal and loving towards each other. Their love and loyalty is obvious enough for folks to comment on it and ask us about how we get our kids to actually like each other. The short answer is, "We force them!"

Lee and I made a decision to encourage the virtue of sibling loyalty in the kids very early on in our parenting career. We figured not only is it good for the kids, but also, kids who get along well make our lives easier too! Maybe this virtue occurs naturally and easily in some families, but we really put in effort at our home. Many volatile situations arise when you have children very close in age and temperament. Let's face it, most likely after we are dead and gone, they will still have each other. I want them to be able to encourage, support and rely on each other for the rest of their lives.

The main component in our loyalty plan is simply fostering an awareness of the unique and special sibling relationship. We stress to them that brothers and sisters are for life. Friends will come and go, but even best friends will not be as close to you as your siblings. We also consciously foster a sense of family pride and honor. We discuss our goal and purpose as a family and even have a cheesy family song.


In general, we have a low tolerance for bickering and pestering behavior. When we notice someone bugging or speaking rudely to another we intervene as quickly as we can. We give them a *script prompt to help them talk to each other in more kind ways. We get the eye rolls and deep sighs, but they do it and everyone is happier in the end. After they apologise we have them hug or handshake and say 'brothers forever' (with the boys) 'twins are special' (between L and L) and also 'best friends forever' and 'Culloms forever' works well too. It may seem trite to adults, but saying these words while looking at each other in the eyes encourages love and loyalty.

I know this sounds ideal and like we must have stepford kids, but believe me this virtue training is ongoing.
I am the first to explain that they do not always get along perfectly. I have two that are like oil and water and have conflict more than the others. I certainly can't sit back and relax all the time while my kids play serenely in the background, but I can testify to some real results.

I hope these ideas encourage other parents to make a special effort in fostering loyalty among their children.
I am also interested in hearing of ways other families are making sibling loyalty a priority in their homes. So, please comment if you have advice and ideas!


*One of the most helpful tools we have used in fostering this loyalty is how they handle apologies. When someone has done something deliberately and on purpose to hurt or annoy another, a simple "I'm sorry" is not enough. The offender must say some form of, "Please forgive me for X,Y and Z. I really love you and don't want you to be hurt or sad." They must be as specific as possible about what they have done and the offended must say, "Yes, I forgive you." Then they end with the handshake or hug and the special phrase. Of course with friends they don't say all of the sibling stuff, but the basic apology form is the same.




*UPDATE 3/24/2012*
Well I have to say this post is still pretty much ringing true. We've added 2 more kids and kept up the sibling love and loyalty I believe. It's not that we don't have bickering, it's that I still really feel that as a family we still have a strong family bond going on here. I do pray that this continues. 

Smell the Birds

Several days ago, Marjorie blogged about the cedar waxwings. I had never seen one before but they looked like cute little guys. We began a bird study in the fall and 'birding' is an ongoing family project. Well, the very next day we were about to pull out of the grocery store parking lot and I glanced over to one of the landscaped islands and saw it was teeming with birds. I drove over to check them out and it was a huge flock of these handsome birds. They were feasting on some juniper berries. We sat in the van and observed them for a long time. We noticed their interesting markings, how they hovered over the berries in a a way reminicent of a hummingbird and how they flew up into the branches of the trees if they were startled, but they quickly came back to the berries. Quite the impromptu nature study, no?

I have, of course, heard the phrase "stop and smell the roses" at least 400 times in my life. The concept of slowing down and enjoying your surroundings, both the people and places, is very appealing to me, but practically I have not 'owned' this idea. One of the reasons we began HS was a yearning to do more of it though.

Reflecting on the cedar waxwing sighting I began to realise that a big hinderence in actually taking time to "stop and smell the roses" is not really knowing much about them! It is undeniable that roses do indeed smell very good. However, I am sure I would be much more likely to stop and take the time to smell and appreciate them if I knew more about them. Perhaps if I knew more about their necessary growing conditions, their particular name and maybe how old they were or who knows what else, it would be some much more fufilling to pause and enjoy their beauty.

I am sure this theory holds true in relationships too as well as nature or any subject actually. The more you know about the lady who sits in the front pew in a hot pink blazer every Friday at daily mass, the more likey you would be to take the time to stop and enjoy her company. Closer to the home front, the more I know how much my child has practiced pumping himself on the swing, the more excited I can be for him when at last he has the independance to swing for the clouds!

I am so thankful I have this opportunity to learn this lesson. I really want, I really and truly desire to feel connected with my environment and with the people around me, both close to home and not. I think this insight will help me so much, not only in our HS adventures, but also in my relationships. I admit it sounds intuitive; the more you know the more you care. Honestly though, I never stopped and took the time to 'smell the roses' and put two and two together!

Nay to YOU, you naysayers!

I don't know what it is about my life that seems to attract so many Naysayers. "What in the world is a 'Naysayer' and furthermore why is Tracy breaking out the 19th century dictionary?" Is that what you're thinking?

The Nasayers are those who are constantly telling you "Oh things are great for you now BUT just wait until ....." Do you have any such cheerful and uplifting people in your life?

I seem to come across an inordinate amount of Naysayers. It began back when Lee and I started dating. We became very close very quickly and I know our cheese level was high. We were giddy in love and didn't care who knew! Several people would go out of their way to let us know that "Just wait, once you have been dating awhile ..." I can't really blame them even now, we were pretty annoying ;) Thus began my bizarre ability to attract friendly, outgoing Naysayers in my life.

Lots of couples get the Naysaying treatment while engaged so I know we're not alone in that. However, it seems that the Naysaying has continued throughout our marriage. We really are happy and in love still after almost 10 yrs of marriage *gasp*! Nevertheless, people can't resist the "Just wait...." or even the "Well you never know....."

Of course having children is a sure way to get some Naysaying. Having twins really gets them going and then adopting a 5th baby!, leaving a fun, popular non denominational mega-church for the creaky Catholic Church!, Homeschooling! man I might as well just carry along a folding chair so I can at least get comfortable when the Naysaying lecture begins. Oh and maybe some paper and pencils for notes too!

*BIG GIANT SIGH*

The good news is I have my smile and nod act down ...most of the time. Sometimes, I cannot help from breaking out into my full on genuine gush of overall love, happiness and satisfaction I feel in my life. I can and have rambled on and on about the peace and joy I realise abundantly everyday. But usually I try to reign it in a bit becasue I wouldn't want to make them feel bad, now would I?